Wednesday, September 14, 2011

How to speak Roadie

So the Guads are safely back on The Rock, after a hard weekend of riding in Pune.

The ride reports are online on BikesZone here, including my own quick notes - I'll may get around to putting a longer report online here (or I may not), but reading Boni's initial post, one sentence jumps out at me when he is talking about Day 2:

"I did not expect anyone to give all they had on the small climb when Lavasa waited ahead"

And that tells the Guads that something is wrong, something is amiss and something needs to be clarified.   Expecting Roadie Scum to not give all on any hill?     What kind of crazy talk is that?

It appears that a lot of people do not understand how Roadies think and operate.   Apparently, even giving up your Roadie Scum status in the short-term - as Boni has done - is enough to make you lose this vital and critical knowledge.

That simply will not suffice, says Thunder.
How are we to crush the souls of non-roadies if they dont understand us, agrees Lightning.

So it was decided.   I was asked by the Guads to be the Prometheus of the cycling community, and to bring to the great, unshaved, non-Lycra-clad cyclistas [known hereafter as "dogmeats"] the knowledge of Roadie Scum.   This starts by learning to speak Roadie.

So without further ado, here is a starter course on Roadie Lingo 101.

"I feel like crap, gonna take it easy"
- I am going to attack as soon as I can

"I am just starting my training phase"
- I am going to attack as soon as I can

"I had [no sleep/partied hard/too much to drink/etc.] last night
- I know you are going to attack as soon as you can.   I plan to attack before that, sucker

"Let's stick together for the first part of the ride"
- I am going to drop your sorry ass as soon as I can - before you can attack

"Easy Z2/recovery ride today"
- For you, maybe.  I plan to attack and drop you

"Nice bike"
- Nice bike.  I plan to crush your soul by attacking and dropping you

"Easy ride until [landmark], then we open up"
- Balls-out from the get-go

"Let's work on pace-lining"
- Let's attack

"Let him go - we'll catch him later"
- Let him go - we'll catch him later.  THEN we will attack and drop him

"There's another rider ahead"
- Attack!

"There's another cycling going the opposite way, on the other side of the road"
- Mark him carefully - next time we see him, we are going to attack and drop him

"That was a fun ride"
- I dropped your sorry ass!

"That was a hard ride"
FUCK!  I got dropped.    I should have attacked some more

"We should do it again"
I'll drop your sorry ass some more and make you my bitch.  Again.

"I'd love to give it another go"
- Next time, I drop YOU

"What happened on that ride?"
- You sucked and got dropped

"Not sure what happened to me on that ride"
- FUCK!  How the hell did I get dropped by him?

"Wow, you've really improved"
- Doper!

- "Dont worry, some days the legs just arent there"
- Yeah right.  You MY bee-atch, bee-atch. 

"Man, I wish I had a bike like that"
- That bike is the only reason you dropped me like dirty underwear.   Really.   Couldnt be anything else