Monday, January 3, 2011

The Rage of the Guads

In yesterday's blog, I talked about how I have prepared a plan for the coming year.  Well, that plan got off to a great start - I missed my 60 min Z1 ride today.  How's that for a promising start?

I was kitted up and just as I was pumping up the tires, I realized that the FSA canti brakes on my bike were rubbing the wheels.  Turned out that the dish of my hand-build (by me) Mavic Open Pro Wheels/105 hubs was off, and the wheel was skewed to the drive side.   With dual-pivots, this would be an easy fix.    With cantis, it was 30 min of tightening the non-drive-side spokes and I still need to check the wheel for true.    So no ride.   Not a big deal - this month is prep month, with a focus on cross-training and weights, so I am not too bothered.

However, I will tell you what does bother the Guads - and since I live above them, by extension me as well:  it is arrogance coupled with stupidity.  I have a simple rule in life - if you are good at something, you can be arrogant about it.  It's not the nicest thing to be, but whatever, you've earned the right and I can respect that even if I don't necessarily like it.  You can also be dumb - after all, 50% of the people on this planet are below-average.   Nothing wrong with it (well, nothing that I can blame El Estupido for, anyway).

But what makes the Guads grumble in quiet anger is when people display a degree of arrogance that is completely at odds with their ability to justify said arrogance.  This bit of idiocy is a good example.

Here, you have someone who:
1) Thinks that there are a lot of web-surfing, environmentally-conscious and socially-active people who are unaware that burning gasoline leads to pollution
2) Thinks that instead of actually taking concrete steps to make her own lifestyle more socially acceptable, a token gesture would be more useful
3) Thinks that Sunday is a good time to make a stand by "refraining from driving to work"

The mind boggles at this level of idiocy.    Seriously, what is wrong with people?

There used to be a mindset that went, put your own house in order before trying to change others.  Apparently, at some point when I wasn't looking, actually doing things became passe and got replaced by token gestures which serve absolutely no useful purpose other than to  act as a not-so-metaphorical lubricant for some mutual ego-masturbation, usually at a dinner party or some such other urbanite gathering.

Masturbate the "ego"

And shame on all of you who merely sit back and don't have the intellectual honesty to question and challenge.   If you say "well, atleast she is doing something", you fail, because that means you have not done anything constructive yourself and thereby have no basis to challenge the ego-masturbation session - continuing the metaphor, yours isnt big enough.

Everybody wants to be a general, nobody wants to be a footsoldier.    After all, footsoldiers get killed while generals get the glory.   Adopting a lifestyle change, such as riding a cycle to work, or donating to a wildlife conservation charity is effort/work.  Why do that, when you can do something token, such as join a Facebook page to support tiger conservation (oh, I am sure the poachers are quaking in their boots at that!) or have a little stroke-session by not driving on a Sunday?

And when stupidity is not challenged, it tends to grow, much like fungus spreading through an unwashed taint.  Thus, we now have people who plan a cycling trip to the mountains and ask for sponsorship, because it is to promote world peace, eliminate poverty, free blowjobs for all or something of that ilk (ok, I support that last one).    One yobo is going to Sri Lanka on a cycling holiday and it isnt just a bike tour - it is a tour of friendship and love.    Another collection of nit-wits decide to do a social 8km ride (yes, 8km) in order to support Livestrong!  

Enough, i say!  This needs to end.  So here's a simple set of commandments from the Guads:

1/ Thou shalt not need an excuse to ride your velocipede.   Doing it for fun or self-loathing is reason enough.

2/ Thou shalt not use the name of cycling in vain in order to raise funds for your holidays.  

3/ Thou shalt not try to "spread awareness" of any event or cause in which thou hasn't actually gotten off thy fat fucking ass and done anything constructive - and in the event thy pathetic ego does make you break this rule, thou shall never involve cycling in this.

4/ Just because thou rode thy bike a few kilometers doesn't qualify you to speak for all cyclists.   "STFU" can, and will, be applied to you as deemed appropriate.

5/ If thou shalt espouse any cause, and link cycling to said cause, expect to justify exactly how thy cycling helps said cause and what concrete and specific changes thy actions will produce.   Note ye here that inciting others to laugh at ye and yer sorry ass doe not quality as a concrete and specific change.

6/ Lycra is thy friend, whether ye like your tires fat or skinny.  Give in to it - let your freak flag fly and let your junk stay put.  Be honest with thyself, and be not ashamed because of what the non-cyclists think.    Those of ye with Brooks saddles are hereby exempted from this clause, with the caveat that thou shalt embrace the soft, massaging clasp of lycra when thou return to the realm of normal saddles.

7/ As a cyclist, it is thy duty to keep the cult of cycling free from posers and wanna-bes.  Thou shalt thusly and actively call BS when thou sees BS.

8/ Thou shalt not look down or differentiate between any cyclist based on frame material, choice of groupset, wheels, color, tire width or attire.  Hipster skinny jeans and triathletes are bereft of this exemption and thou are free to mock them as much as ye want.

9/ There be good pro racers other than Lance Armstrong.  Thou art required to know about the life and palmares of atleast 4 other racers, 2 of whom must be multiple TdF winners, before thou art allowed to  sucke on the one nutte of the Armstrong.

10/ If thou art a chubby woman, thou shalt not wear cut-offs that expose your belly and if you art endowed with testicles, thou shall never, under any circumstances, ever wear Speedos in public except if you are competing in a sanctioned swimming event. (Not necessarily cycling related, but this is important nonetheless).

The Guads have spoken.  So it shall be written, so it shall be done.


  1. What a genius you are! Hear hear!

  2. Nicely written. if the commandments increase you should probably seek for a permanent position with keepers of the cog or start something similar

  3. About them cantis - why couldn't you adjust them? I just move the hanger thingy laterally, and the L/R brake balance changes accordingly. Good for quick fixes. Am I missing something?

  4. The FSA cantis are self-adjusting. However, my wheel's dish was pretty off - non-drive-side tension was quite low and so it was really skewed towards the drive side. Needed one turn of the spoke wrench to even it out.

    Note to self - I need a decent truing stand. The one I have is rubbish.

  5. Nice except the discrimination against triathletes! Why, I say, why?

  6. hahahahaha!

    (that was a good start to what will be a long wednesday)

  7. Aww. 50% are below median. Not necessarily below average. Sorry, the stat guy in me couldn't keep quiet.